Marital Therapy

Can’t Relate to Spouse?

Dr. Kavitha Praveen Leave a comment

Can’t relate to your spouse? Time to reflect before the ties loosen!

Divorce rates are increasing alarmingly with more couples thinking it is easier to walk away than resolve or work through differences. There is a need for couples to start analyzing themselves about the positive contributions and stressors they contribute to the relationship with their spouse. Self analysis or introspection is a first step in working towards a better relation even before seeking professional help from external persons. Self reflection allows for course corrections in a non threatening manner.

How can this be done? It can be started if you as a person are willing to work at improving yourself constantly. This would mean that you start by accepting that there is scope for improvement within yourself and that you may not be perfect. This does not mean that you have to think of yourself negatively. If you, by nature, are a person who often looks for external factors or reasons as to why your progress is blocked, the process can be long drawn. The process of internal reflection allows you to identify and be aware of factors that are blocking growth and allows you to see which factors need to be changed and how. Remember, change starts from yourself!

What are some of the common barriers that contribute to a relational strain?

1. Your ability to empathize with your spouse. This requires an effort as empathy also depends on your emotional closeness with the other person, the number of years you have spent together, your understanding of the person, and the ability to accept a view point that may be different from your own.

2. Preparedness for intimacy in a relationship This is the extent to which you limit or extend your level of intimacy in terms of physical, psychological, emotional or sexual aspects. If you are a person with limitations in terms of “Only if I want” “Only if I see an advantage for me”, “Only if you give into my demands” etc, then there is a limited or less preparedness on your part for intimacy in a relationship. This does not mean that you give up all your wishes or dreams…but that you are open to give yourself fully to gain fully from the other person.

3. Anxiety as a personality component Anxiety can limit you ability to understand, empathize and be intimate with your spouse. Anxiety can self limit and become a strict boundary beyond which you may become unwilling to see the point. As anxiety will constrain you or cocoon you to see only from your perspective, it then limits your ability to see or accept an outside perspective. This can become a barrier to relate to your spouse

4. Intense Mood Fluctuations Inability to balance your reaction/response to your spouse, extremes of mood fluctuations, responses of overdoing or underdoing can be equally damaging. Over a period of time, this “unpredictability” can lead to more strain or indifference or stagnation in the relationship.

5. Seeing only the negative side of life As a baggage from a single status or from your own family off origin, there maybe a pessimistic attitude ” How ever much I try, I will fail, or I will not be happy etc” that can be extremely damaging to the relationship. Inability to see the positive or hopeful side of the present and future and stuck with the past can be a limiting factor in your relationship

6. Culture specific limitations Inability to accept that your spouse comes from a different family background and cultural background and needs time to understand/settle as part of your family, expecting an instant adjustment (spatial, emotional, social) can become a major friction.

These are some common factors that can ruin a good relationship (apart from specific factors in relation to a particular couple). Once identified as a problem, reflect further, then discuss with your spouse honestly your limitations or possibilities, see your spouse as an equal life partner, consider seeking professional help, discuss with a confiding friend who can give a nonjudgmental advise, and work on yourself. Moving out of the relationship should be the last option and not the first option to consider.

Marriage-Divorce-Remarriage: Influence of past baggage on the present

Dr. Kavitha Praveen Leave a comment

Marriage, as among the most complex and intimate relationship compared to other family relations-with parents, siblings, in-laws- has its own share of baggage as well. Especially when the question of remarriage appears. It is inevitable that one cannot escape or ignore the influence of the past marriage and ones relation with the spouse in the present context including its positives and baggage.

Yes, one can definitely show more maturity, tolerance, compromises due to the teaching or learning from past experiences. However, if the stress or trauma is too much in the previous marriage, one cannot escape its shadows looming over the present marriage too.  Fears related to abuse/violence, abandonment, insecurity, the negative experiences of past relationships (either romantic or prior marriage) will make the partner more conscious or alert and fear prone or anxious in the present situation. The personality of partners will also play a major role.

If a person is anxious by nature, anxiety might become worse if the negative experiences are added to life experiences. If a person is prone to mood swings, past trauma might create a negative frame of mind losing the capacity to experience new situations with a fresh outlook.  What has been an area of stress leading to divorce might now become an important aspect of the present relationship. For example,  a person who had an emotional and dependent partner previously might look for a mature independent  partner this time and may worry about the partner being detached and less involved at a later stage.

The reality lies in understanding and accepting the influences that will help to build the relation with the new partner by taking some preventive steps. A discussion on the past relationship might be a first step towards understanding and working on its influence in the current relationship. Giving more space to each other, especially when there is a situation of friction will help the partners to work towards resolution. Avoiding the use of past relationships as a point of comparison and criticism is recommended. While being honest with each other, try to avoid the use of terms like “let us divorce” etc loosely.

Most important, appreciate the relation and spouse for what it is and what they are as a person rather than constant comparisons with past experiences. Live in the present…

Marriage sustains on mixing and matching or compromising and appreciating

Dr. Kavitha Praveen Leave a comment

A happy married life depends on mixing & matching with or compromising with & appreciating the traits of your spouse. Adapting to similarities or dissimilarities in interests, hobbies, likes and dislikes and even career play a role in sustaining the marriage. Often people prefer marrying others with similar traits like a doctor wants to marry a doctor, or an engineer another engineer etc. The thought process behind such a move is that they will understand the pressures of the career, the adjustments necessary and hence might help the marriage to sustain. However, this is not always true.

Similarities and commonalities in partners can become boring and predictable over a period of time and slowly a point of saturation is reached. Everything about the other spouse becomes predictable including the way they react. This can often lead to a strained situation where each one might start taking the other person for granted closing the gates of communication. This can lead to distorted perceptions or misconceptions over a period of years. Might end up never appreciating the achievements of the spouse- small or big, in career or in personal life. Life might appear less colorful and challenging over a period of time.This does not mean that the choice of a partner with similar likes and dislikes is wrong. However, unless worked upon, the relationship can tend to become too superficial.

Appreciating the characteristics of your spouse (that you admire and do not have yourself) and compromising and accepting on grey areas (up to a certain tolerable level- not a blind acceptance) such as being too vocal in expressions, certain food habits, requires some work. Trying to see the benefits of those grey areas might help strengthening your marital relation in the long run.

It may not always be necessary or important that all your needs “have to be” fulfilled only with the spouse. Need for sharing, relating, being intimate, feeling companionship can be continued at different levels and forms even with other family members- parents, in-laws, siblings etc.

Do we not compromise with the perceived faults or differences of our family members? Do we not accept them as they are? Is that because of a compulsion because we were born into that family? Why do we see the spouse as someone different? Why would we not give the same latitude to the spouse? What makes us complain and be choosy or critical about our spouse? Is it an expression of choice which we feel we do not have with our family? Why wouldn’t compromising and accepting not work with the spouse? It definitely will. Is the fact that we have a choice in the relationship with the spouse and no choice in the relationship with the family such an important determinant?

If marital relationships have to sustain, one needs to accept that difference of opinion and arguments happen between couples. Whether these difficulties help to strengthen or weaken the relationship depends on how the issues are resolved. Is a process of compromise and acceptance used? Personal likes and dislikes may not be of much value in resolutions as each person will tend to presume what the other person thinks rather than listening to what they say.

Every individual is a combination of strengths and weaknesses. In a couple’s relationship, when the strengths and weaknesses of the partner is appreciated and accepted, there will be a slow and steady improvement in the quality of the relationship. Marital relations develop continuously over different experiences and is a process that grows as long as the couple  lives together.

Similarities might aid to strengthen a close relation but may not form the only basis for a strong and intimate relationship.

Effects of Baggage on our Marital Life

Dr. Kavitha Praveen Leave a comment

Almost all of us carry some emotional baggage with us often without bothering or realizing how it affects our life.  We carry our emotional baggage for years and sometimes for many decades.

What are the common emotional baggage we carry around?

Our strict father who believed parenting was about dominating, scaring children and maintaining a distance. Where distance, fear and domination was misconstrued as respect.

Our over emotional or over involved mother who invested so much time and affection on us- the umbilical cord was physically cut but emotionally was bound in tight knots.

Our siblings who grew with a feeling of neglect or secondary in the hierarchy of affection showered by our parents.

Can we outgrow these feelings that we collected, as our baggage, over years? What happens to all these strained and over worked emotions?

Knowingly or unknowingly, we show the effects of these baggage on our partners. Our choice of a partner for the complex and intimate spousal relationship is often a reflection of our emotional baggage and needs. We might look for a soft spoken partner if we had an overbearing parent! We decide on a single child so that we don’t transfer a feel of neglect to our children! Most often, we do this subconsciously without even being aware that we are transferring our baggage to the lives of our family members.

Are we happy carrying these emotional baggage? Maybe not or maybe there is a perceived advantage with the baggage! The so called soft spoken friendly person might over the years be considered unassertive and indecisive.  The over emotional partner might be perceived as being too dependent and a burden. Our single child whom we showered all our affection on might end up feeling lonely, spoilt and uncompromising.

Like the worldly assets we accumulate meaninglessly, we accumulate and transfer our emotional baggage to the next generation leading to the development of more complex personalities over the years.

Is there a solution? Can we be aware of the baggage we carry??

We need to self reflect and analyze ourselves from time to time. What drives our actions and reactions?  Can we see our partner as a person by themselves rather than as a reflection of the strained family relations we had? Can we see our kids as human beings in their own right rather than as a vehicle for our shattered dreams or misguided ambitions?

Often, the partner is able to objectively see the baggage brought into the relationship. Are we able to accept the objectivity of our partner? Or do we become defensive? Can we let go of the baggage? Can we recognize it as a problem and deal with it?

The first step is realizing there is a problem, then accepting it and working towards a solution in collaboration with your partner.  Let us try that and see if we can bring back the magic into our married life.

Often, talking issues out with an independent unbiased third party like a psychologist can bring in new perspectives and new insights.  It may also help to retain objectivity and build trust between partners without getting too much caught in defensive reactions.

Related, Relatives and Relations!

Dr. Kavitha Praveen Leave a comment

As Humans, we are related to many of our fellow human beings. Some of these relations are biological in nature, some through social interactions and peer pressures, some just on a need to know or information basis, as part of an organization or a common theme such as parents of children at the same school or play group.

It is interesting to explore if and how we relate. Do we relate in a relative sense or just for the sake of being related? All our relations with different people seem to be need based or expectation based.

What is a real relation then? Is being a relative the same as being related?

Being Friends, Relatives, Family Members is supposed to make us feel secure, comfortable, fulfilled and happy or contented in the relationship but are we able to really feel that relatedness? Don’t we, sometimes if not often, feel lonely, left behind, ignored, used or manipulated even within these “comfortable” relationships?

How do we related with others? Do we relate to others in the sense of being related or do we expect something or the other from the relationship- whether it is material gains, emotional sustenance, social recognition and interaction, or even an identity. Maybe even to climb the social ladder. or Just to fit in. Do we get upset when the other person is not able to meet our needs or expectations from the relationship? Can we relate to others without any expectations, just for the pleasure of knowing, interacting and relating with each other?

As social beings, humans have to relate to be part of a society. Can these relations be unconditional like that of a baby, like a flower that blooms or a fruit that ripens ((maybe the flowers and fruits have conditions of their own!).

How do we then relate without our expectations and needs from the relationship leading to disappointment or hurt? Is relating to our self comfortably a solution? Yes, I need material and will work myself for the material I need, I don’t need a relationship to get that material. Yes, I need an emotional outlet or sustenance, and shall share my feelings with with you without expecting you to share your feelings with me. Yes, I will keep in touch with people but without expecting that they have to keep in touch with us. Is that possible or feasible? Is this the solution? Does it improve the feeling of relatedness or does it increase the disconnect?

Even within the family, if we rely on ourselves alone, does that make us emotionally connected or do we have to limit our expectations to only those whom we feel are “close” to us. Tempering expectations or flexibility in expectations may be a better option.

Don’t we have expectation even when we relate to God? Is it possible that our expectations may be unrealistic, unreasonable? Do we have to assess and reassess the rationale or logic behind all our expectations. Does that make us feel better related? Is there an individual significance that will change for how we relate to each person?

There are no easy answers for these questions although introspecting over these questions within the context of our relationships maybe useful. Understanding the basis for the relationship, the expectations, the need to be self sufficient, the need to approach a relationship with an open mind and tempered or no expectations might be the way to avoid disappointments and hurt in relationships. Now, the scope and parameters of the relationship is an individual choice…and frankly, easier said than done!

Parents and Marriages

Dr. Kavitha Praveen Leave a comment

In the name of well wishers, as parents to our children, are we helping or harming them in their marriages?

With a rapid increase in divorce rates and broken marriages, it is high time that we question our role as parents in helping our kids to adjust better or pull apart in their marital life.

Research data of several years has proven that we are keen on saving property and money for our kids, often at the cost of our needs through sacrifices and sufferings, but we also inherit and transfer a lot of our own emotional baggage to our kids, that we never seem to recognize in our own life time.

What are those baggage? We do transfer very happily (knowingly or unknowingly) to our kids how it is important that kids always learn or should learn to model our behaviors, how we show emotions, how we behave with outsiders, how we lie, how we avoid situations, how we manipulate people, and how we play emotional games in the name of giving them love and affection.

“My Father was very strict and never allowed me to enjoy simple joys of life, so let me give my son full freedom to do or enjoy anything he wants without questioning why or its relevance”. This is a feeling that is often expressed…

While doing this, we need to realize that in reality we are passing on our baggage to our children. Suddenly, one fine day, we realize that the child is no longer in our control, has gone astray, does not recognize or respect work or money, and never even values “us” as parents. We wake up astonished that our children have picked up a lot of avoidable or questionable habits, including addictions, gambling, and what not!

How do we bring the child out of this? More often than not, the most common mode appears to be adding a responsibility to the child…in our context, marriage. Marriage is seen as our attempt to have someone else make our child responsible…the duty we shirked as parents.

What happens? Are we indeed making him responsible or are we now thrusting an unsuspecting individual into the mess we created? Is this something we would embrace if it was our daughter to be married to an addict?

We want our children to be modern in dressing, in behaviors, mannerisms, food habits but at the cost of being able to think through or recognize their own personal problems related to friends, education, or employment. At the cost of spending time with our children, we often make up our guilt through inanimate objects as gifts- the more expensive the better!

We want to be involved in everything including from what dress they should wear, to career choices, to life partners, to friends without giving an opportunity for them to express their thoughts or feelings, or an opportunity to recognize the consequences of their actions, or how to maintain human relations. One fine day, we just marry our “princess” or “prince” to someone of our choice..

Obviously, we have already crippled our children to choose what they want in life…and cover up by choosing a life partner that we prefer and meets our rather than their expectations.

The drama starts here. How? From the first day, our children move into a state of confusion- what should i expect from my spouse? dependency or independence?  How should i adjust to the new family? to the in-laws? should I be friendly or should i keep a distance- are they my friends or are they my enemies? Often, the children come back with jet speed- what should I do? How do I handle this problem? We feel great pride, then, in taking care of our children again, often not realizing that the advice we give is based on the baggage we carry! We tell them how to manipulate relations and people in the name of affection and love! Without probably realizing it, we are now an integral part of their marriage, pulling them apart, never letting them learn how to handle their problems, not recognizing changing priorities of the new couple.

“My Husband works late (my father always came home at 5 pm) ” “My wife is always working at the office, she does not cook dinner for me (my mother cooked hot meals for us)” are often heard complaints…and we advise them on how we reacted..without ever introspecting about our relations in the first place.

If we expect our children to live happily with their spouses, we should give them the space to learn through their mistakes, to grow together, to recognize the value of being related and intimate.

Are we giving our children those opportunities? Instead, it is now easier to solve the problem by avoiding it, “let us get a divorce”! Ask many lakhs of rupees to get financial security for the daughter…but do they compensate for emotional security and growth?

It is time parents wake up or grow.  Giving financial or career security to our children is just one aspect of parenting. We need to provide them with the skills to think for themselves, analyze solutions to problems and to choose the best solution that minimizes pain or distress. We need to help our kids decide things for themselves, the value of relations, importance of empathy and tolerance, understanding the limits of tolerance, letting go, and to appreciate the goodness in people. Let us care our kids to care for themselves and to take care of their lives. That is the greatest gift we can give our kids. Let us think about it!

Marital Therapy

Dr. Kavitha Praveen Leave a comment

MARRIAGE-MADE IN HEAVEN, LIVED ON EARTH

A happy marriage is among the most rewarding experiences for a married person. It provides continued satisfaction of such vital human needs like companionship, affection and sexual expression. It makes us feel wanted, desired, admired, appreciated, approved and belonging to a degree that may not be possible in other human relationships.

MARRIAGES ARE MADE IN HEAVEN BUT LIVED ON EARTH!

A happy marriage does not occur by accident or by mere wishing. A happy marriage happens when both partners work jointly to make their marriage a success.

OPPOSITES ATTRACT OR DO BIRDS OF THE SAME FEATHER FLOCK TOGETHER?

Usually, people choose a partner who can complement their own weaknesses. At the time when most people marry, especially the younger ages, the personality of the person is still a work in progress. People tend to choose a mate who represents the quality they lack.  For example, a physically active person may choose someone who is laidback, a dreamer may be attracted to someone who is practical….

A couple provides a way of navigating the world. It stands to reason that people choose a partner who can manage in areas they are weak in! Thus, at the outset, most couples consist of two incomplete people, who together form a well rounded pair! The complementary nature is the source of the couples strengths and difficulties. While they represent a viable unit in facing life’s challenges, they experience tremendous internal frustrations generated by their differences. Sooner than later, each partner tries to mold the other partner into their line of thinking. The differences that attracted slowly transform into burdens!

AN OPPORTUNITY TO GROW

By joining with someone who is markedly different– almost opposite in many basic ways– each partner has the chance to learn, in an intimate way, the workings of another person. The active person learns more about inner peace, while the sedentary or passive person learns to move more freely. The practical person learns how to dream and the dreamer learns to convert their dreams into reality!

If both partners learn well, they can move towards their own completion by becoming more self sufficient. But this learning process is difficult and can produce much friction and unhappiness. On the other end of this process, great harmony is possible in the relationship.

FAMILY– A FRIEND OR FOE?

Times, they are changing. The age of the joint family is now replaced by the nuclear family. Working partners with different time schedules often have little time together. The family life is now a project to be managed and is compartmentalized into small working units with responsibilities designated to partners.  Almost mechanized, the soul of the family life is under serious threat!

Often, people turn to their immediate family members for help and advice. This is indeed good as the family can provide a calming influence and elders can speak from the richness of their experience. Some times, however, the experience may not be pleasant especially if there is a mistrust between partners and their families. Sometimes, it is better for the partners to find their own space to work out their issues, and be helped in this process by an independent, unbiased, non judgmental therapist who guides along the way to a better relationship. Sometimes, familiarity can breed contempt and an independent eye can help you see stuff you missed seeing!

COUPLE & MARITAL THERAPY help promote marital adjustment