Marriage-Divorce-Remarriage: Influence of past baggage on the present

Marriage, as among the most complex and intimate relationship compared to other family relations-with parents, siblings, in-laws- has its own share of baggage as well. Especially when the question of remarriage appears. It is inevitable that one cannot escape or ignore the influence of the past marriage and ones relation with the spouse in the present context including its positives and baggage.

Yes, one can definitely show more maturity, tolerance, compromises due to the teaching or learning from past experiences. However, if the stress or trauma is too much in the previous marriage, one cannot escape its shadows looming over the present marriage too.  Fears related to abuse/violence, abandonment, insecurity, the negative experiences of past relationships (either romantic or prior marriage) will make the partner more conscious or alert and fear prone or anxious in the present situation. The personality of partners will also play a major role.

If a person is anxious by nature, anxiety might become worse if the negative experiences are added to life experiences. If a person is prone to mood swings, past trauma might create a negative frame of mind losing the capacity to experience new situations with a fresh outlook.  What has been an area of stress leading to divorce might now become an important aspect of the present relationship. For example,  a person who had an emotional and dependent partner previously might look for a mature independent  partner this time and may worry about the partner being detached and less involved at a later stage.

The reality lies in understanding and accepting the influences that will help to build the relation with the new partner by taking some preventive steps. A discussion on the past relationship might be a first step towards understanding and working on its influence in the current relationship. Giving more space to each other, especially when there is a situation of friction will help the partners to work towards resolution. Avoiding the use of past relationships as a point of comparison and criticism is recommended. While being honest with each other, try to avoid the use of terms like “let us divorce” etc loosely.

Most important, appreciate the relation and spouse for what it is and what they are as a person rather than constant comparisons with past experiences. Live in the present…

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