Marital Therapy

Aggression- Its effects on family relationships

Dr. Kavitha Praveen Leave a comment

Human emotions, both positive such as happiness, excitement, and negative such as anger, sadness can play a very significant role in relationships. At the same time, the intensity of these emotions can equally be important in deciding the healthy and unhealthy properties of the relationships.By intensity, we mean, the strength or depth of the emotional reaction one expresses towards a personal, emotional or close relationship.

Emotions, specifically anger, have the capacity to stir the persons whole being or personality at the moment of its expression. Rapid physiologic, including hormonal changes, may take place with a high adrenaline rush that increases the function of major body systems such as rapid increase in heart beat, and restless  movements of the body. If the environment or persons at the receiving end are not able to understand the intentions or reasons behind this high intense expression, a disequllibrium creating misconceptions may result.  For example, if a family member is extremely aggressive (exhibiting high intensity of anger or emotion) and the person or persons at the receiving end miss the actual intention of why he or she is aggressive, an actual damage to the relationship may result as a consequence.  The person at the receiving end may misconstrue that the “aggressive” person is trying to physically harm them while the “aggressive” person may be trying to express his anger or frustration through their behavior.  Unless both sides understand each other, a strain the emotional relationship results.

When one is in a highly emotional intense state, one loses awareness of oneself, the surroundings and the persons in the environment. Continuous state of body and mind in such a high emotionally intense state can damage the health- both physical and psychological. More over it can be very stressful to close family members leading to a strain emotional distance over a period of time.

It is very important that one understand and works towards maintaining an emotional balance to preserve harmony with relationships. When one is emotionally intense state of body and mind, one loses the ability to reason and logical capacity and may cross safe boundaries of propriety, and possibly abuse close family members. Repeated episodes of such situations can permanently damage the emotional relationship making people feel alone, depressed and vulnerable. Not only that, repeated expressions of negative emotions can themself become habitual leading to more and more such “disasters”.  The unpredictability can be very threatening to significant or close family members living under the same roof.

In order to preserve one’s relationships, it is important to be aware of the situation as a first step. Showing agression in a high emotional state can appear to be an immediate rewarding experience for the person expressing; however, it can be more damaging in the long run. The receiving person may obey or become submissive for the moment but can become increasingly resistant over time and create an increasingly negative relationship. The ability to share openly between members becomes constrained. It is important that family members become aware and are willing to work towards this.

Certain precautions can be done to avoid such events-preventing emotional outbursts, anticipating and moving away from stressors, discussing stressors with family members,  and discussions post episode with all sides willing to listen to each other, working out a balance, by finding alternate creative  expressions or expectations, or writing a diary or notes to understand and reflect, learning to express frustration or upset by discussing than showing anger. If relations are still developing a distance in spite of best personal efforts, it is always advisable to seek professional help and even undergo an anger management program. It is advisable not to take any “emotionally charged” major decisions when one in a high emotional state of aggression.

 

Parental difficulty in marriage can affect quality of emotional relationship between siblings

Dr. Kavitha Praveen Leave a comment

Discord is a word that explains adjustment difficulties between related persons at a severe or intense level. Parental discord can be a major and crucial area that can have significant effect on emotional relation between siblings.  Constant fights and added physical or emotional or verbal abuse between parents can create confusion and anxiety at a younger age (even for month old babies) sowing seeds of tension, fear and pent up anger. Children may not be able to meaningfully verbalize and express these conflicting thoughts and emotions. At later ages, as they grow into adult individuals, it may be expressed as being fearful of or a fear of being emotionally attached to another person, a fear of authority, considering relationships as risky or as being vulnerable, fear of becoming a victim, fear of rejection etc.

Effects on the older sibling: The responsibility of older sibling taking a parental role where possible over involvement (without even possibly being aware of it) can result in loss of his or her own position as a sibling. This can kindle  or trigger raised expectations and added responsibilities from younger siblings at a later stage. The younger siblings may transfer parental roles and expectations to the older sibling including the baggage and frustrations associated with the parental roles. This can lead to an increased stress in the relationship as the older sibling has to manage their own needs and expectations with those of the younger siblings.  The expectations from the younger siblings may interfere with the expectations of the older siblings on how they would like to build their life.  As the older sibling tries to achieve a balance, they may be looked at as being dominating, intrusive or interfering or even as uncaring and selfish.  However, from the older siblings point of view, it can be a result of overbearing parental responsibilities that add stress and lead to hurt and emotional strain. Losing one’s own status as a brother or sister (and one’s own childhood and dreams) can sometimes be a shock that leads to emotional stress.

Effect on the younger sibling: Inability to differentiate the role played by a sibling and their parents can lead to over-expectations that are impractical and strain the emotional relationship between siblings. Emotional battles and manipulations between them can lead to a disengaged or “lack of love” relation and create a distance between siblings.

Effect on parents: Lack of focus can trigger or rekindle past stressors among parents leading to the resurfacing of old conflicts. It may result in intense struggles between the parents and may even involve their married children and spouses.

 

How do you work through this entangled web of emotional relations? The only way to work towards getting balance can be a direct discussion between parents and siblings.  This depends on the motivation and availability of all members to work together and retain the sense of a family. Unless an effort is made, the marital and interpersonal relations of parents and their children can be affected.  As the children become more involved with their life – their careers, their own children, their marital relations- the level of motivation needed to work towards maintaining the family increases. There is the risk that the family loses its identity and each individual charts their won separate courses without any common attachment. The same cycle may repeat with the individual families as it is not biological tendencies alone, but relational patterns also are repetitive with personalities remaining nearly the same. Like genetic characteristics, we also carry the relational patterns with our personalities and tend to repeat them. Unless corrected consciously, this may affect every relation entered into.

If the level of motivation and distance is low or absent, the best way can be creating a healthy distance between own families so that further strain is not built up (either as a temporary or permanent solution). The boundaries of what is healthy and unhealthy is more blurred than clear and hence needs a clear perception on all sides.  The loss of the family structure may be seen as a real loss of an anchor or may bee pragmatically accepted as the dispersion of the family with the loss of its own identity.

There are limited options to work with if individual family members are not willing to reflect and re-visit their own roles and expectations with a better understanding. The longer the duration and distance in terms of accepting the need to work on relations, the lesser the chances of coming together as a family again. The binding forces that are intense  and strongly bind family relations can be as strongly repulsive if family members do not work towards a healthy relation. You may not be able to choose the family you were born into but you could definitely choose to work towards maintaining the relational structure of the family you were born into.

 

 

Marital Therapy differs from counselling by well-wishers or family members

Dr. Kavitha Praveen Leave a comment

Harmony in the relationship between couples is a basic or fundamental need for a healthy family foundation. Children who grow up in a happy family are more likely to develop a better adjusted personality and be happy as adults compared to children who grow up in a disturbed family environment.

Family members, friends and well-wishers are often the first line of people who try to resolve differences between couples. They usually try their best to resolve differences between couples providing advice based on their own experiences, their understanding of the personalities of the couple and societal expectations. However, there are differences in how a professional trained marital therapist addresses relationship issues compared to advice from well-wishers.

The most important fundamental difference is that a marital therapist maintains objectivity or neutrality between the partners. To explain this further, a close family member or a friend or well-wisher knows one or the partner better and may try to look from the emotional angle of one spouse more closely than the other. For example, if they are more closely related to the wife, their emotional closeness may influence how they see the problem and its resolution and objectivity may be lost. This may be a conscious or subconscious influence. With a professional therapist, the neutral or mentor position plays an important role to identify the factors influencing or straining the relationship. There is no biased emotional closeness to either of the spouses.

The next most important difference is that a relative or a close friend has limitations in that they can only provide general counseling as to how to adjust, let go, think for future and forget the past, which will be a momentary solace than a long term solution. A marital therapist is trained to identify specific factors that are influencing or straining the relationship rather than determining who is at fault. These may include, for example, a faulty way of communication, too much over-involvement of a third person, external stress factors, possible culture, lifestyle, socio economic status differences etc. Once the factors are identified, further objective work at finding practical and pragmatic solutions, implementing and evaluating the proposed changes, and further modifications are possible to rebuild the relationship. The neutrality of the therapist helps to reduce a lot of blaming each other and a defensiveness or lack of trust that may arise because one partner feels the other is being favoured. It also compels both partners to work equally towards resolving conflict.  While a relative or close friend might help by guiding what is right or wrong, they may end up (even without meaning to) aggravating the problem and creating more conflict by appearing to blame one person more than the other.

An important part of resolving conflict is the ability of the couple to introspect and self-analyze their role in the stress situations and try to change towards a better relationship. Trying to see or blame one partner entirely is an unhealthy concept. For example, if one partner feels completely overwhelmed or helpless by the aggressive nature of the partner, we must understand that the very nature of helplessness exhibited by the person encourages the other partner to show aggression.  A healthy balance that involves both partners realizing and working towards change is necessary.

Once a relative or close friend is involved into couple issues of concern, there is a continuous follow up or involvement of the relative over a period of time.  This may create a dependence of the couple on advice and suggestions from the relative or friend. A marital therapist, on the other hand, works towards enabling the couple to understand their own stress and emotions and to use the skills acquired during therapy to address any future potential problems.  Thus, the therapist enables the couple to independently address their own issues.

The first few years of marriage are usually stressful as partners try to manage and live up to expectations and adjust to differing personalities and life situations. This usually continues till the couple reaches a stage of appreciating the capabilities and strengths of their partners besides accepting limitations.  Once children come into the picture, the relationship of the couple may disappear for a number of years as the needs of the child or children take precedence. Unless the couple is aware of the potential for stress and works at solving differences, the stress may affect the relationship.

To summarize, an objective unbiased eye can help identify one’s role in a relationship, suggest potential corrections at the right time, appreciate individual differences, and help look for pragmatic rather than ideal solutions. Well-wishers, although they mean well, may sometimes complicate the developing lack of trust between partners.

“Suffering”-Constructive or Destructive in an emotional relation?

Dr. Kavitha Praveen Leave a comment

We gather our best resources and are motivated to achieve our short term and long term goals in life including acquiring a valuable academic degree or a decent employment or materialistic benefits.

But, how many of us reflect on the “suffering” we go through in the pursuit of our goals? How many of us reflect on this “suffering” in the relationships with close family members or intimate relationships as playing a constructive and positive role in our growth?

When we are afraid of a particular situation, say writing a competitive exam, the whole world seems to gather its energy to support us and help us keep our courage to go through and cope with the difficult phases. But within the closed doors of our own family, when one is suffering at an emotional level, how many of us know about or care about or offer support to those in need?

It is possible that our own family members, with whom we are expected to connect emotionally, are sometimes blind to or negate our suffering or hurt. In what conditions or situations can it happen? What is the best way out?

Competing or conflicting interests between family members can lead to a lack of understanding of the emotional needs of others. The unmet needs of the family members can lead to a period of frustration, anger, sadness, hopelessness, despair and a whole range of emotions. This may become a positive force by bringing together the entire family to work together for solutions that help everyone achieve their goals. It can become a destructive force where those who “succeed” or those who “fail” become insensitive, blunt, non responsive or indifferent to the needs of others. It is a debatable point if the relations can return to normal once everyone meets their needs once the relationship has entered a destructive phase. It depends on the pre-existing emotional bonding, the bonds that existed before the relations got strained by different needs.  If there is a healthy space between members and clarity on each members roles in the family, it is still possible that the relation can return to normal or at least become more in harmony. If the foundation of emotional bonding is already weak with conflicting roles and confusing expectations from each other, even after a balanced state, the desired emotionally healthy relationship may not be achieved.

The way out is definitely to take time out to reflect, analyze and develop clarity over the strained relationships. Be open to a honest, direct discussion. However, the motivation of other family members to work on the relation is a major influencing factor. Untangling the complexities of relationships can be difficult and lead to more problems and more brooding. It might be better to seek the help of an experienced family therapist who can play a neutral role and help untangle and navigate through the complex relationships and expectations.  However, the results are only as good as the motivation of the family members to work on the relationship!

Language and Words in the context of a Meaningful Relationship

Dr. Kavitha Praveen Leave a comment

Language (verbal or non verbal body language) is a special gift of humankind that can help to generate goodwill, for self growth or to relate better to other people including our near and dear ones. However, language alone cannot help when it comes to relating meaningfully with another human being.

In psychological terms, language is only a means of communication. Without feeling, it loses its capacity to build a sensible relation between two individuals. Let us try and focus on close relations in our own family system.  If your intention or emotion is one of love or affection for the sake of it, that is unconditionally, relating is more pleasant or open minded and empathetic. If the intention or emotion is hatred, the language can only be bitter and harsh and sharp like a knife! If the underlying emotion is anger, the language can be more impulsive, intolerable and for the moment and probably damaging physically and psychologically. If the emotion is jealousy, the language can be degrading, critical and belittling.

It means that emotions drive the content and tone of the language and expressed words in relating to each other.

Family members have to be aware and work through these basic emotions to relate to each other. Otherwise, the relationship may not become meaningful and end up being a relation based on only a biological basis but without heart and soul.

Is there a need for family members to relate when the basic premise is that family members are already related by nature?

It is essential to constantly recognize how we related to each other as family members as the intensity and variation of the basic emotional flow can drive the relationship closer or apart. If the members relate to each other unconditionally (without an underlying agenda of major expectations from each other), the emotion of love is at a peak. In an over strained/over involved relation with major expectations, the emotion of hatred may rear its head. Anger or impulsive behavior goes on keeping the relation between family members fluctuating at its extremes of either disturbed or extra sensitive and hardly at balance or predictable. Jealousy comes into the picture when differences in the wave lengths of thinking influence the attitudes of family members.

Somewhere in the stream of various emotions, the bonding in a family depends on which emotions form the basis of or play a major role in the relation. One of the emotions may become the primary drive for the relation with the other emotions then playing a subsidiary or supplementary role.

Families are never static, they are always in a dynamic state and flux and hence relationships in a family also never remain static. The balance is maintained by the fundamental emotion that drives the context of the relationship at that point of time.  For example, at the time of arrival of a new addition to the family (like a new born baby), if the underlying emotion is love, the new born receives an immediate warm welcome and acceptance.  If emotion is one of hatred, there maybe a disengagement from the newborn, if the emotion is jealousy, overdoing/under doing comes in and anger leads to destruction/deprivation.

This does not mean that any relation is ruled by  emotions alone. Communication is a mediator of our emotions, it is also a mediator of thoughtful processes from a thoughtful human. But when emotions are at their high intensity, thinking or logical reasoning may take a back seat. Too much logical practical thinking without emotion is equally disastrous. There is a need for balance between the emotive and thoughtful state for us to relate sensibly to our own family members.

But in cases of depression or higher anxiety (they also come under emotional states of mind although maybe in a negative way), the equation of relating to a family member can change dramatically to a pathological extent. Viewing all experiences from a negative viewpoint (as in depression) and unable to be at peace or in a calm state (when in state of anxiety) can distort the equation of the relationship to the core and create extreme stress and friction in relating to each other.

It is essential that we keep the balance of emotions and thoughtful states at its best. As a social being, relating to our family members or to the larger world around us needs constant self analysis, accepting and correcting our mistakes, and a readiness to move on with new learning, a willingness to change for the better, taking responsibility for ones actions and their consequences. Life is not forever, and living life meaningfully will hopefully be better than living life without direction. Relating sensibly and happily to each other is fun, complex and possible only with effort….we may be born relatives but may not die relating if we do not put in the efforts to make relations work!

Sustainable Marital Relationships

Dr. Kavitha Praveen Leave a comment

A HALF DAY WORKSHOP

on

Preparedness towards Expectations and Complexities of Marriage

Marriage is considered a unique life experience that should lead to happy and enjoyable memories. Marriage is often a union of two different personalities that seek to merge into a single common purpose and goal in life. Each partner has their own expectations and dreams and a happy marriage is one where both partners are able to realize their own as well as the potential of their partner. Expectations that are unrealistic and are not in alignment with the wishes of the partner or a common goal can lead to friction in the relationship. Often, friends turn strangers and even enemies over a period of sustained dissatisfaction.  Understanding our partner in depth helps to make relationships more meaningful for a productive marriage.

This half day workshop focuses on developing an understanding of varied expectations from marriage and the complexities associated with differing expectations. Through an interactive discussion mode, Dr. Kavitha Praveen, an experienced marital therapist, will discuss the different phases of a marriage and possible problem solving options that are rooted in an understanding of the self and the partner. The workshop will be useful for anyone interested in the institution of marriage- whether they are already married, separated or planning to marry.

Participation is limited to 15 members on a first come first served basis.

Date: September 9, 2012

Venue: Manasvin’s Center for Family Psychotherapy, Anand Nagar Colony, Khairatabad, Hyderabad, India

Please contact Dr Kavitha Praveen at 9849924478 (between 9am and 9pm ) to register.

Counseling for Psychosexual Problems

Dr. Kavitha Praveen Leave a comment

Majority of couples with problems in physical intimacy initially consult a gynecologist or sex specialist rather than a mental health specialist. This is because physical intimacy or sexual intercourse is considered a physical act by many rather than a combination of physical and psychological effects. For some, sex is considered necessary only to produce children and is a responsibility or duty towards the same without psychological considerations. Many consider the problem to be that of a woman and hence initially consult the gynecologist.

When the gynecologist examines the woman, it is possible that they may find medical reasons that can explain the discomfort or lack of physical intimacy. These can be reasons related to the reproductive system or other medical disorders or conditions. Some of these might require medication, some might require surgical interventions. However, it is also possible that the problems with physical intimacy exist even in the absence of any obvious physical problems. These may related to non-physical problems like phobias related to pain or a fear of pain, misconceptions regarding masturbation and the sexual experience, low self esteem, feelings of inadequacy or inferiority, cultural stigma and taboos related to sexual intimacy and possibly childhood sexual abuse/assault/molestation.  The discomfort with physical intimacy can also occur if the partner is considered physically or emotionally unattractive or if the environment is not amenable to relax. Needless to say, stress related to finances, work or other areas is an important factor to consider. Irrespective of the primary cause, it is important to work with the mind as much as with the body to improve comfort levels in persons/couples who face problems in physical intimacy.

Psychosexual counseling starts with the assessment of possible factors that may contribute (currently active factors or factors maintained from the past) to the problem. This stress includes a detailed interview of couple (separate interviews initially) exploring possible factors, both common and rare. Once an understanding of the issues that face the couple and the possible reasons for it are obtained, the next step is to initiate the process of addressing and overcoming these issues.

 The initial step is to clarify thoughts regarding various aspects of intimacy such as the need for emotional bonding with partner, open communication of likes and dislikes regarding each others preferences related to intimacy including sensitization that it is acceptable for the female to have preferences and sorting out issues/stressors related to other significant family members or family or work environment that contributes to stress.

 The fear of pain and the feeling of intrusion may be a factor for discomfort in female partners. In such instances, there is a need to initiate to relaxation exercises through a schedule for a week or 10 days. The relaxation exercises will cover the whole body from the head to toe and training to relax will be provided using Jacobson’s Progressive Muscular Relaxation. The logic of these sessions is that a relaxed body will lead to a relaxed mind and the process of relaxing the body relaxes the mind. The relxaed body and muscles will reduce friction and tension and help to reduce or overcome pain.

 Masturbation has often been considered as a cause for problems especially in males. Masturbation is worngly considered as contributing to erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation. Specific techniques and training on the mind will be taught to overcome these causes in the males (in the absence of any physical cause) to overcome these dysfunctions.

 Cultural and stigma related causes remain a major cause for discomfort with physical intimacy. Appropriate sex and health education is given to the partners with specific focus on identified issues. When childhood abuse orr incest is a contributing factor, emotional or thought related (cognitive therapy) is recommended to settle deep seated trauma that can very actively interfere in couple  relations- both emotional and intimacy related.

 Where factors related to stress with significant family members such as over involvement or lack of privacy for the couple are involved, the couple has to be helped to find out practical solutions to create healthy boundaries between the couple and the other family members, or the space for the couple and other family members. The couple has to be helped to reduce the impact of other stressors on the quality of the time they spend together.  The couple has to be educated that physical intimacy or sex is an aspect that is more influenced by the couple’s emotional relationship rather than feelings of equality or control or determination of who contributes more to the relationship.

 In summary, problems with sexual intimacy can be physical, psychological or a combination of both. Psychological issues can be worked on and resolved as much as possible if the mind is open and willing to acknowledge the presence and depth of the problem. Willingness to work towards resolution also necessitates a willingness to change one’s view and improving acceptance of the partner.

Rising Rates of Divorce

Dr. Kavitha Praveen Leave a comment

Are Alarming Increase in Divorce Rates a Sign of Progress or Regress?

More marriages are seeking the path of separation rather than the harder path of working together towards solutions. The breakdown of the institution of marriage can lead to broken disjointed families and consequently lay the foundation for many societal problems in the future.

Why are we seeing an increase in the divorce rates?

There are several factors including an increasing societal tolerance towards broken marriages, an increased awareness of personalities and personal spaces, a lower tolerance level, increasinf frustration levels, emotional and financial insecurities, impulsive decision making, increased violence (verbal and physical), lack of clarity over value or ethical systems especially pertaining to the person, couple, family and society.

Personality issues such as aggression, lack of a compromising spirit (give or take), wanting to always win, and lack of parental and family support either due to physical distance or emotional distance can make the couple rapidly reach a stage where divorce seems a reasonable alternate to working out solutions.

Low frustration tolerance can be a major factor where any disagreement between couples is considered as a personal grudge leading to impulsive or aggressive outbursts irrespective of young children being around, lack of tolerance for a difference of opinion, or even a “If you can do like that then why can’t i do like this” attitude. Low frustration tolerance can shatter the whole sensitivity of any close relation.

Emotional and financial insecurities where the concerns of a nuclear family predominate and caring for elders is considered a burden even in terms of health or survival aspects. A lack of empathy for the partner that may be driven by one’s pwn state of “suffering”, counting how much or less each partner contributed to the family expenses or maintenance, unhealthy comparisons in lifestyle with relatives/friends to the point of excluding or undermining one’s own strengths and comforts become added burdens that contribute to an unhealthy atmosphere.

Impulsive decision making in terms of involving a third person (usually family members) even in minor fights between couples, decision to involve legal, media or police systems to pose threats to the partner, inability to introspect or analyze one’s own actions that may contribute towards the friction and make meaningful changes, and using young children as peace makers by complaining to them on each other (that burdens and confuses the young minds) are unhealthy trends that come back to bite later….with a big bite, too.

Increased Violence both physical or verbal can stress the home environment by noise pollution, terror, unhealthy living environment and a pervading sense of fear. Degrading each other making one feel unwanted or rejected is also a form of violence or abuse. Children in such families can develop wide variety of emotional or academic problems (bed wetting, lying or stealing behaviors, reduced concentration, high anxiety or fears that impairs ones ability to learn and retain academic or other information).

Lack of clarity or even absent value or ethical systems are also a major factor in the lack of unity in the family system. More weight given for material comforts rather than teaching children sets bad examples. Eating out or family trips that are more a prestige issue than an occasion to bond, focusing more on talking rather than actions, focusing on short term gains rather than long term security or savings for the future of the family teach certain values to the children. A lack of concern for the elders also sets a bad example. The feeling that spending more equates to a better life brings in its own attendant ethical and moral values.

The family can work together if importance is given to the overall functioning of the family including clear roles and responsibilities. The role of the woman in the family is a more complex role that has assumed more complexity as families go nuclear. The pressure is on the woman to adapt, often unfairly so, and the woman is expected to be in a constant state of adaptation and compromise- whether it is related to personal habits, academics, work. The Male or husband has to play the role of a bridge or buffer that balances expectations of the partner with what is expected of the partner. It is important to realize that marriage involves changes from everyone as acceptance of the partner as an equal member grows.

A united family requires flexibility, adaptability and a willingness to find practical realistic or pragmatic solutions. Change does not happen overnight. It is a slow process. Frictions and disagreements are common in all marriages but the way you work on the disagreements determines the health of your marriage.

The future of the family needs openness, a willingness to discuss difficulties, healthy involvement of family members in problem solving, breathing spaces for privacy. A healthy family is possible if everyone works towards it without judgments and if everyone realizes that neither the woman nor the male are just stereotyped pictures but humans in their own rights.

Loneliness in a marriage!

Dr. Kavitha Praveen Leave a comment

Friction and disagreements occur in all relationships including marital relationships. As the family structure becomes increasingly nuclear, either by choice or migration to other countries or cities, or as a result of the choice of partner (outside of the community), there is an increasing lack of support for couples in marriage.  The possible lack of a close confidant beyond the immediate family can lead to increasing stress levels beyond tolerance and end in a feeling of loneliness and depression.

Let us look at some of the factors that contribute to this loneliness. An important factor is distorted and faulty communication. This usually develops over a period of time where the couple stops listening to each other, sees the other partner as someone who is degrading or looking down on them, an increasing use of abusive or aversive behavior, insistence on their words always being correct, and rather immature and childish behavior. Provocations can include the behavior of the parents of the partner, the child rearing practices or even the inability to conceive. However, these build up over a period of time and there can be multiple provocations to settle into a feeling of constant mistrust…and failing to hear or understand beyond the words.

Finances can be a source of friction for any relationship and especially in a career oriented relationship with both partners working. Several issues on the handling of money can arise including who is spending how much and on what, how much is each partner contributing to the family, how much expenses and what expenses are reasonable, who pays the loans, how much are you sending your parents, all can become points for friction. The issue of my money, your money crops up leading to more friction.

Another important point of friction is the amount of time spent together.Each partner may have their own interests, preferences and pressures where the time spent together gradually reduces. Several issues come in including ” we are in a marriage, have lived together for long and know each other, why do we need to spend time together”, taking each other for granted, why do we need to spend time together like we were courting each other. However, life is dynamic and keeps changing…and each event will require some planning, coping and adjustment…and some time spent together.

Career choices can also lead to friction. A partner transferred to another city or town or country can lead to an upheaval of the life of the other partner. The other partner who might probably be well settled suddenly has to accommodate to a possible loss or change in career paths, limited career options, the need for additional qualifications. All of these can lead to stress and friction especially if one partner has to stay back at home. The potential for depression is high in such instances unless both partners work together to prevent any breakdown.

The kind of stress faced by couples with young children is different where one spouse often has to give up a career to become a full time carer, becomes financially dependent on the partner, faces a real or perceived lack of support in caring, coupled with inadequate or irregular sleep patterns. If the kid has any special need (physical or psychological), the stress and friction in the relation of the couple mounts if adequate support is not there. If the wife prefers to continue working within months of arrival of the infant (for whatever reasons) several issues like taking care of the baby, feeds, creches, ayahs, dropping and picking up the baby, safety etc can cause additional stress.

Last  but not the least, most couple do go through a phase of comparison with known people, “See, she left her job to take care of the baby” “He always comes home early”, etc. One spouse comparing the partner with other people, in an already tensed environment where both partners are trying to adapt can only lead to more stress.

The solution is complex and has to consider multiple factors. Both partners definitely need to take time to be with each other…fit it into your schedules. Talk more than less to each other, keep asking about each other and how they feel, be flexible and available, and seek immediate help if the stress seems to be overwhelming. Building a social network that can absorb the stress and provide solutions will be useful. However, just arguing and blaming each other and leaving the issues without a solution can only complicate and lead to depression in the long run.

Partners have to learn to live with each other and not just live together.

Expecting too fast an adjustment from your wife-Relax

Dr. Kavitha Praveen Leave a comment

In a new marital relationship, even if the people know each other before, there is a period of adjustment that is needed. This period can become stressful if the spouse (husband or wife) has to adjust and compromise with the immediate partner as well as the family members. In India, more often than not, the wife moves in with the husband and probably his family by extension. The wife, thus faces the brunt of the adjustment as she tries to meet the spousal expectations, her expectations and the expectations of the family.

The first year of the marriage forms the basis for the foundation for the couple to develop closeness- emotional, physical, bonding, attachment.  However, marriages seem to be breaking apart even in the first year.

If you had an arranged marriage, it takes time for your wife to adjust to you as a spouse or husband and to adjust to your family members. If the family does not give the space to grow into the relationship, and rushes to make judgments that are unpleasant and uncomfortable, then the foundation to build upon becomes weak. The relationship moves more towards preventing and reacting to situations than a real growth in the relationship. Comments such as “She does not mix well with people, she does not cook well, she is not social, she talks back to my parents, she has an attitude etc etc” only serve to make the atmosphere more unpleasant than bring about any real change.  It is important for you, as a husband, to understand that you are the bridge through which the bonding between your wife and parents is formed.  If you are not skilled enough or take time to balance this delicate situation, it might create friction between you and your wife as well as both families. It is important for you to understand that your wife has spent a considerable part of her life growing up in a different family that may have a different culture, different personal habits, food habits etc. It might be difficult for her to give up or break habits and adjust  as much as it might be difficult for you to accept a set of behaviors that are different from your own.  Your wife should not end up feeling that she is like a lab animal that everyone keeps scrutinizing every minute just to make unhealthy inferences or to draw conclusions. It is very important that you, as a husband,  should still understand the complexities of your wife and parents living under one roof peacefully.  If you are a single child, the responsibility becomes even more as you try to give and take from everyone without making anyone feel isolated

It may be easy to manage a team as a team leader, or run a complex business with its unpredictable loss and profits, but it is not easy to maintain harmony at home. Logic and reason helps to score points in an argument but you need to consider if winning the argument is more important than understanding the other person. This requires an ability to listen and empathize. When your wife expresses something to you about your parents, it does not always mean she is complaining. It could be that she is sharing with you to improve her understanding and looking for an emotional connection. We need to remember that your wife has not spent as many years as you have with your parents to understand them well. Her relationship with your parents will be driven in parts by her relationship with you and what she sees in you that reflects your parents. The more intimate and connected you are with your wife, the easier it is for your wife to relate and understand your parents.

There is also the need to manage your parents expectations, especially the feeling of a mother that her son is now being “taken away” from her by the new young woman. Your mother is no longer the primary care giver and that is a transition that can be difficult for some.  It is important for you as a son to understand your mother and work to balance the relationship.

It is not necessary that the whole family has to always go out together.  As a young couple, you and your wife do need the space to develop an understanding of each other when both of you can focus just on each other.  When both of you understand each other, both of you can work together to stop any negative intrusions into your life. These can sometimes be minor for your eyes but possibly intrusive for your wife, maybe there are no bad intentions behind it but is perceived as such. For example, if your mother selects a dress your wife should wear for a function while you wife wishes to wear something else. It is important for you to see the view point of your wife as well. Consider that she may have her own wishes and desires. Work out minor adaptations that everyone can be comfortable with. Of course, this does not always happen very easily!

It is also your role to encourage your wife and parents to have a clear expectation from each other to build peace and bonding. The couple living by their own in a separate house is no longer considered taboo. Though physical absence may create a distance, sometimes it is necessary to escape a stifling atmosphere and to create the calm to think in a balanced manner.

What is needed for a relationship to build, maintain and grow is clear expectations that are realistic, practical and possible