Author: Dr. Kavitha Praveen

Rearing Children- A Challenge or Pleasant experience?

Dr. Kavitha Praveen Leave a comment

With increased complexity of our life styles and increased orientation towards careers, we hardly take quality time for raising a child. Rather, we focus more on having them run with us from morning till bed time. As parents, we have our busy careers or schedules where as our kids are competing equally with us with 7 am to 7 pm school hours and after school activities. On the weekends, we are tired and drained from the week, while our kids are either busy with coachings or extracurricular activities. Then the only time spent together (leave alone teaching/disciplining a child) would be in front of TV or watching movie or eating out in a restaurant. This is the story of almost all nuclear families these days.

When these kind of routines are considered as normal to our family environments, what about families where there is a special child or a child with special needs to care for? What if there is a child or another family member with a medical illness to care for? The flooding of the market with newer gadgets and our need to replace our emotional support with materialistic needs, expensive school admissions, expensive vacations are additional aspects that look exciting but need to be carefully considered for their benefits or potential harm. The grass on the other side is not always greener. Children spend a lot of time playing with their gadgets (play stations, computer games etc) and often at the cost of their sleep and food. Eating healthy food at appropriate times takes a backseat with “snacking” the preferred food. Comparisons with the peer group abound on who has the most material things, low tolerance and high frustration levels, a reducing respect for human and emotional relationships, and an attitude of “It is alright, what is the big deal?” are more common these days.

As adults, are we able to identify the early signs of diversion from the education they are supposed to receive? Are we able to take time to work on these possible issues before they become more problematic? Are we able to be firm or discipline or direct the child towards an acceptable path? Or do we end up crying over spilt milk while consistently refusing to see the signs of impending trouble? Do we assuage our feelings of guilt or convenience by giving more materialistic stuff at our children that sort of drives them farther and farther away?

Anything that is recognized early can be worked at systematically. What should we focus on?

  1. Healthy eating and sleep habits is of prime importance. Starting earlier is better. Help yourr child to eat and sleep at the right times. Teach the importance of eating all the food on the plate.
  2. Boundaries with regard to their behavior of exploration and experimentation. A young child of 2-3 years will try to follow or model their parents. As an adult, you need to work at yourrself to improve them. Your ability to be sensitive, flexible and thoughtful in human interactions will be picked up by the children. Your behavior towards your fellow human beings and animals, use of material, the limits of acceptability, empathy, leadership and positive authority are important. Setting boundaries need not always be restrictive or negative..it can be a positive enriching experience.
  3. Be organized and use material appropriately. Stop blackmailing your child by repeatedly reminding them of how much you sacrificed for them or how much effort you put for them. Instead, focus on reinforcing the positive actions of the child that has helped earn your respect and rewards for the child. Set a limit for what material you provide to your child, try to provide material that can be useful and constructive. Do not hesitate to discuss these with your children or to explain your choices to them. Do not hesitate to listen to them.
  4. Let us not carry our baggage to our children. How your parents treated you is not necessarily the basis for how you treat your child. Your child is an individual in his/her own right. Changing societal values over time have to be taken into consideration. What was considered routine decades ago may not be considered appropriate now. You need not focus on fulfilling your dreams or desires through your child. Learn to understand your child and see them as an individual in their own right.
  5. Focus on education. It is important to understand as a parent that the purpose of education is not just to earn money or fame but to develop into a thoughtful sensitive fair human being. The focus on investing or spending on materialistic things should instead be shifted into providing the child skills to take independent ethical decisions. Help the child to grow continuously and develop the skills to learn on their own making informed choices.
  6. Focus on values/ethics. The values that are important as an individual, learning to respect all schools of thought, understanding the reasoning behind rituals such that rituals are not just routine are all important aspects. Some of these are imbibed, some have to be reinforced. Your child observes keenly the values and ethics you practice. You have to work on yourself to improve them.

 

This is an incomplete list but brings about the need to first look at ourselves as a parent before we try to chaange our children. The challenge can be pleasant and something that can be worked together with the child(ren) building long lasting bonds. We, as parents, have to be open to growing and learning with our children.

 

 

Counseling for Psychosexual Problems

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Majority of couples with problems in physical intimacy initially consult a gynecologist or sex specialist rather than a mental health specialist. This is because physical intimacy or sexual intercourse is considered a physical act by many rather than a combination of physical and psychological effects. For some, sex is considered necessary only to produce children and is a responsibility or duty towards the same without psychological considerations. Many consider the problem to be that of a woman and hence initially consult the gynecologist.

When the gynecologist examines the woman, it is possible that they may find medical reasons that can explain the discomfort or lack of physical intimacy. These can be reasons related to the reproductive system or other medical disorders or conditions. Some of these might require medication, some might require surgical interventions. However, it is also possible that the problems with physical intimacy exist even in the absence of any obvious physical problems. These may related to non-physical problems like phobias related to pain or a fear of pain, misconceptions regarding masturbation and the sexual experience, low self esteem, feelings of inadequacy or inferiority, cultural stigma and taboos related to sexual intimacy and possibly childhood sexual abuse/assault/molestation.  The discomfort with physical intimacy can also occur if the partner is considered physically or emotionally unattractive or if the environment is not amenable to relax. Needless to say, stress related to finances, work or other areas is an important factor to consider. Irrespective of the primary cause, it is important to work with the mind as much as with the body to improve comfort levels in persons/couples who face problems in physical intimacy.

Psychosexual counseling starts with the assessment of possible factors that may contribute (currently active factors or factors maintained from the past) to the problem. This stress includes a detailed interview of couple (separate interviews initially) exploring possible factors, both common and rare. Once an understanding of the issues that face the couple and the possible reasons for it are obtained, the next step is to initiate the process of addressing and overcoming these issues.

 The initial step is to clarify thoughts regarding various aspects of intimacy such as the need for emotional bonding with partner, open communication of likes and dislikes regarding each others preferences related to intimacy including sensitization that it is acceptable for the female to have preferences and sorting out issues/stressors related to other significant family members or family or work environment that contributes to stress.

 The fear of pain and the feeling of intrusion may be a factor for discomfort in female partners. In such instances, there is a need to initiate to relaxation exercises through a schedule for a week or 10 days. The relaxation exercises will cover the whole body from the head to toe and training to relax will be provided using Jacobson’s Progressive Muscular Relaxation. The logic of these sessions is that a relaxed body will lead to a relaxed mind and the process of relaxing the body relaxes the mind. The relxaed body and muscles will reduce friction and tension and help to reduce or overcome pain.

 Masturbation has often been considered as a cause for problems especially in males. Masturbation is worngly considered as contributing to erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation. Specific techniques and training on the mind will be taught to overcome these causes in the males (in the absence of any physical cause) to overcome these dysfunctions.

 Cultural and stigma related causes remain a major cause for discomfort with physical intimacy. Appropriate sex and health education is given to the partners with specific focus on identified issues. When childhood abuse orr incest is a contributing factor, emotional or thought related (cognitive therapy) is recommended to settle deep seated trauma that can very actively interfere in couple  relations- both emotional and intimacy related.

 Where factors related to stress with significant family members such as over involvement or lack of privacy for the couple are involved, the couple has to be helped to find out practical solutions to create healthy boundaries between the couple and the other family members, or the space for the couple and other family members. The couple has to be helped to reduce the impact of other stressors on the quality of the time they spend together.  The couple has to be educated that physical intimacy or sex is an aspect that is more influenced by the couple’s emotional relationship rather than feelings of equality or control or determination of who contributes more to the relationship.

 In summary, problems with sexual intimacy can be physical, psychological or a combination of both. Psychological issues can be worked on and resolved as much as possible if the mind is open and willing to acknowledge the presence and depth of the problem. Willingness to work towards resolution also necessitates a willingness to change one’s view and improving acceptance of the partner.

Rising Rates of Divorce

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Are Alarming Increase in Divorce Rates a Sign of Progress or Regress?

More marriages are seeking the path of separation rather than the harder path of working together towards solutions. The breakdown of the institution of marriage can lead to broken disjointed families and consequently lay the foundation for many societal problems in the future.

Why are we seeing an increase in the divorce rates?

There are several factors including an increasing societal tolerance towards broken marriages, an increased awareness of personalities and personal spaces, a lower tolerance level, increasinf frustration levels, emotional and financial insecurities, impulsive decision making, increased violence (verbal and physical), lack of clarity over value or ethical systems especially pertaining to the person, couple, family and society.

Personality issues such as aggression, lack of a compromising spirit (give or take), wanting to always win, and lack of parental and family support either due to physical distance or emotional distance can make the couple rapidly reach a stage where divorce seems a reasonable alternate to working out solutions.

Low frustration tolerance can be a major factor where any disagreement between couples is considered as a personal grudge leading to impulsive or aggressive outbursts irrespective of young children being around, lack of tolerance for a difference of opinion, or even a “If you can do like that then why can’t i do like this” attitude. Low frustration tolerance can shatter the whole sensitivity of any close relation.

Emotional and financial insecurities where the concerns of a nuclear family predominate and caring for elders is considered a burden even in terms of health or survival aspects. A lack of empathy for the partner that may be driven by one’s pwn state of “suffering”, counting how much or less each partner contributed to the family expenses or maintenance, unhealthy comparisons in lifestyle with relatives/friends to the point of excluding or undermining one’s own strengths and comforts become added burdens that contribute to an unhealthy atmosphere.

Impulsive decision making in terms of involving a third person (usually family members) even in minor fights between couples, decision to involve legal, media or police systems to pose threats to the partner, inability to introspect or analyze one’s own actions that may contribute towards the friction and make meaningful changes, and using young children as peace makers by complaining to them on each other (that burdens and confuses the young minds) are unhealthy trends that come back to bite later….with a big bite, too.

Increased Violence both physical or verbal can stress the home environment by noise pollution, terror, unhealthy living environment and a pervading sense of fear. Degrading each other making one feel unwanted or rejected is also a form of violence or abuse. Children in such families can develop wide variety of emotional or academic problems (bed wetting, lying or stealing behaviors, reduced concentration, high anxiety or fears that impairs ones ability to learn and retain academic or other information).

Lack of clarity or even absent value or ethical systems are also a major factor in the lack of unity in the family system. More weight given for material comforts rather than teaching children sets bad examples. Eating out or family trips that are more a prestige issue than an occasion to bond, focusing more on talking rather than actions, focusing on short term gains rather than long term security or savings for the future of the family teach certain values to the children. A lack of concern for the elders also sets a bad example. The feeling that spending more equates to a better life brings in its own attendant ethical and moral values.

The family can work together if importance is given to the overall functioning of the family including clear roles and responsibilities. The role of the woman in the family is a more complex role that has assumed more complexity as families go nuclear. The pressure is on the woman to adapt, often unfairly so, and the woman is expected to be in a constant state of adaptation and compromise- whether it is related to personal habits, academics, work. The Male or husband has to play the role of a bridge or buffer that balances expectations of the partner with what is expected of the partner. It is important to realize that marriage involves changes from everyone as acceptance of the partner as an equal member grows.

A united family requires flexibility, adaptability and a willingness to find practical realistic or pragmatic solutions. Change does not happen overnight. It is a slow process. Frictions and disagreements are common in all marriages but the way you work on the disagreements determines the health of your marriage.

The future of the family needs openness, a willingness to discuss difficulties, healthy involvement of family members in problem solving, breathing spaces for privacy. A healthy family is possible if everyone works towards it without judgments and if everyone realizes that neither the woman nor the male are just stereotyped pictures but humans in their own rights.

Loneliness in a marriage!

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Friction and disagreements occur in all relationships including marital relationships. As the family structure becomes increasingly nuclear, either by choice or migration to other countries or cities, or as a result of the choice of partner (outside of the community), there is an increasing lack of support for couples in marriage.  The possible lack of a close confidant beyond the immediate family can lead to increasing stress levels beyond tolerance and end in a feeling of loneliness and depression.

Let us look at some of the factors that contribute to this loneliness. An important factor is distorted and faulty communication. This usually develops over a period of time where the couple stops listening to each other, sees the other partner as someone who is degrading or looking down on them, an increasing use of abusive or aversive behavior, insistence on their words always being correct, and rather immature and childish behavior. Provocations can include the behavior of the parents of the partner, the child rearing practices or even the inability to conceive. However, these build up over a period of time and there can be multiple provocations to settle into a feeling of constant mistrust…and failing to hear or understand beyond the words.

Finances can be a source of friction for any relationship and especially in a career oriented relationship with both partners working. Several issues on the handling of money can arise including who is spending how much and on what, how much is each partner contributing to the family, how much expenses and what expenses are reasonable, who pays the loans, how much are you sending your parents, all can become points for friction. The issue of my money, your money crops up leading to more friction.

Another important point of friction is the amount of time spent together.Each partner may have their own interests, preferences and pressures where the time spent together gradually reduces. Several issues come in including ” we are in a marriage, have lived together for long and know each other, why do we need to spend time together”, taking each other for granted, why do we need to spend time together like we were courting each other. However, life is dynamic and keeps changing…and each event will require some planning, coping and adjustment…and some time spent together.

Career choices can also lead to friction. A partner transferred to another city or town or country can lead to an upheaval of the life of the other partner. The other partner who might probably be well settled suddenly has to accommodate to a possible loss or change in career paths, limited career options, the need for additional qualifications. All of these can lead to stress and friction especially if one partner has to stay back at home. The potential for depression is high in such instances unless both partners work together to prevent any breakdown.

The kind of stress faced by couples with young children is different where one spouse often has to give up a career to become a full time carer, becomes financially dependent on the partner, faces a real or perceived lack of support in caring, coupled with inadequate or irregular sleep patterns. If the kid has any special need (physical or psychological), the stress and friction in the relation of the couple mounts if adequate support is not there. If the wife prefers to continue working within months of arrival of the infant (for whatever reasons) several issues like taking care of the baby, feeds, creches, ayahs, dropping and picking up the baby, safety etc can cause additional stress.

Last  but not the least, most couple do go through a phase of comparison with known people, “See, she left her job to take care of the baby” “He always comes home early”, etc. One spouse comparing the partner with other people, in an already tensed environment where both partners are trying to adapt can only lead to more stress.

The solution is complex and has to consider multiple factors. Both partners definitely need to take time to be with each other…fit it into your schedules. Talk more than less to each other, keep asking about each other and how they feel, be flexible and available, and seek immediate help if the stress seems to be overwhelming. Building a social network that can absorb the stress and provide solutions will be useful. However, just arguing and blaming each other and leaving the issues without a solution can only complicate and lead to depression in the long run.

Partners have to learn to live with each other and not just live together.

Expecting too fast an adjustment from your wife-Relax

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In a new marital relationship, even if the people know each other before, there is a period of adjustment that is needed. This period can become stressful if the spouse (husband or wife) has to adjust and compromise with the immediate partner as well as the family members. In India, more often than not, the wife moves in with the husband and probably his family by extension. The wife, thus faces the brunt of the adjustment as she tries to meet the spousal expectations, her expectations and the expectations of the family.

The first year of the marriage forms the basis for the foundation for the couple to develop closeness- emotional, physical, bonding, attachment.  However, marriages seem to be breaking apart even in the first year.

If you had an arranged marriage, it takes time for your wife to adjust to you as a spouse or husband and to adjust to your family members. If the family does not give the space to grow into the relationship, and rushes to make judgments that are unpleasant and uncomfortable, then the foundation to build upon becomes weak. The relationship moves more towards preventing and reacting to situations than a real growth in the relationship. Comments such as “She does not mix well with people, she does not cook well, she is not social, she talks back to my parents, she has an attitude etc etc” only serve to make the atmosphere more unpleasant than bring about any real change.  It is important for you, as a husband, to understand that you are the bridge through which the bonding between your wife and parents is formed.  If you are not skilled enough or take time to balance this delicate situation, it might create friction between you and your wife as well as both families. It is important for you to understand that your wife has spent a considerable part of her life growing up in a different family that may have a different culture, different personal habits, food habits etc. It might be difficult for her to give up or break habits and adjust  as much as it might be difficult for you to accept a set of behaviors that are different from your own.  Your wife should not end up feeling that she is like a lab animal that everyone keeps scrutinizing every minute just to make unhealthy inferences or to draw conclusions. It is very important that you, as a husband,  should still understand the complexities of your wife and parents living under one roof peacefully.  If you are a single child, the responsibility becomes even more as you try to give and take from everyone without making anyone feel isolated

It may be easy to manage a team as a team leader, or run a complex business with its unpredictable loss and profits, but it is not easy to maintain harmony at home. Logic and reason helps to score points in an argument but you need to consider if winning the argument is more important than understanding the other person. This requires an ability to listen and empathize. When your wife expresses something to you about your parents, it does not always mean she is complaining. It could be that she is sharing with you to improve her understanding and looking for an emotional connection. We need to remember that your wife has not spent as many years as you have with your parents to understand them well. Her relationship with your parents will be driven in parts by her relationship with you and what she sees in you that reflects your parents. The more intimate and connected you are with your wife, the easier it is for your wife to relate and understand your parents.

There is also the need to manage your parents expectations, especially the feeling of a mother that her son is now being “taken away” from her by the new young woman. Your mother is no longer the primary care giver and that is a transition that can be difficult for some.  It is important for you as a son to understand your mother and work to balance the relationship.

It is not necessary that the whole family has to always go out together.  As a young couple, you and your wife do need the space to develop an understanding of each other when both of you can focus just on each other.  When both of you understand each other, both of you can work together to stop any negative intrusions into your life. These can sometimes be minor for your eyes but possibly intrusive for your wife, maybe there are no bad intentions behind it but is perceived as such. For example, if your mother selects a dress your wife should wear for a function while you wife wishes to wear something else. It is important for you to see the view point of your wife as well. Consider that she may have her own wishes and desires. Work out minor adaptations that everyone can be comfortable with. Of course, this does not always happen very easily!

It is also your role to encourage your wife and parents to have a clear expectation from each other to build peace and bonding. The couple living by their own in a separate house is no longer considered taboo. Though physical absence may create a distance, sometimes it is necessary to escape a stifling atmosphere and to create the calm to think in a balanced manner.

What is needed for a relationship to build, maintain and grow is clear expectations that are realistic, practical and possible

Can’t Relate to Spouse?

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Can’t relate to your spouse? Time to reflect before the ties loosen!

Divorce rates are increasing alarmingly with more couples thinking it is easier to walk away than resolve or work through differences. There is a need for couples to start analyzing themselves about the positive contributions and stressors they contribute to the relationship with their spouse. Self analysis or introspection is a first step in working towards a better relation even before seeking professional help from external persons. Self reflection allows for course corrections in a non threatening manner.

How can this be done? It can be started if you as a person are willing to work at improving yourself constantly. This would mean that you start by accepting that there is scope for improvement within yourself and that you may not be perfect. This does not mean that you have to think of yourself negatively. If you, by nature, are a person who often looks for external factors or reasons as to why your progress is blocked, the process can be long drawn. The process of internal reflection allows you to identify and be aware of factors that are blocking growth and allows you to see which factors need to be changed and how. Remember, change starts from yourself!

What are some of the common barriers that contribute to a relational strain?

1. Your ability to empathize with your spouse. This requires an effort as empathy also depends on your emotional closeness with the other person, the number of years you have spent together, your understanding of the person, and the ability to accept a view point that may be different from your own.

2. Preparedness for intimacy in a relationship This is the extent to which you limit or extend your level of intimacy in terms of physical, psychological, emotional or sexual aspects. If you are a person with limitations in terms of “Only if I want” “Only if I see an advantage for me”, “Only if you give into my demands” etc, then there is a limited or less preparedness on your part for intimacy in a relationship. This does not mean that you give up all your wishes or dreams…but that you are open to give yourself fully to gain fully from the other person.

3. Anxiety as a personality component Anxiety can limit you ability to understand, empathize and be intimate with your spouse. Anxiety can self limit and become a strict boundary beyond which you may become unwilling to see the point. As anxiety will constrain you or cocoon you to see only from your perspective, it then limits your ability to see or accept an outside perspective. This can become a barrier to relate to your spouse

4. Intense Mood Fluctuations Inability to balance your reaction/response to your spouse, extremes of mood fluctuations, responses of overdoing or underdoing can be equally damaging. Over a period of time, this “unpredictability” can lead to more strain or indifference or stagnation in the relationship.

5. Seeing only the negative side of life As a baggage from a single status or from your own family off origin, there maybe a pessimistic attitude ” How ever much I try, I will fail, or I will not be happy etc” that can be extremely damaging to the relationship. Inability to see the positive or hopeful side of the present and future and stuck with the past can be a limiting factor in your relationship

6. Culture specific limitations Inability to accept that your spouse comes from a different family background and cultural background and needs time to understand/settle as part of your family, expecting an instant adjustment (spatial, emotional, social) can become a major friction.

These are some common factors that can ruin a good relationship (apart from specific factors in relation to a particular couple). Once identified as a problem, reflect further, then discuss with your spouse honestly your limitations or possibilities, see your spouse as an equal life partner, consider seeking professional help, discuss with a confiding friend who can give a nonjudgmental advise, and work on yourself. Moving out of the relationship should be the last option and not the first option to consider.

Depression in Young Adults- Effects on life

Dr. Kavitha Praveen 1 Comment

Depression is a lowered state of mood that affects interpersonal relationships to the core. Depression can occur because of relational issues or can be the cause for relational issues. A person with depression is in a negative state of mind, looks for negative (collects selectively) cues in the environment and has an impaired ability to look at the future with hope. Depression, in an young adult who is under societal and family pressure to be working actively towards their career, education, relationships, can create a complete mess in terms of expected routines like going to college. going to work, resigning employment, and even overindulging or breaking relationships. The process of multiple stress, real or perceived, can also lead to a real risk of self harm.

As depression increases, the ability of the person to respond to situations reduces. Impaired ability makes the person more depressed and the cycle worsens. However, when depression triggered by a stress such a sudden loss of a loved one, divorce, loss of a job, or childlessness for example, has the danger of molding the person’s thought processes towards more negative thinking leading from the stress. This negative thinking might in turn out to be a habit when there is long standing depression or repeated episodes of depression.

In a young adult or teenager who is personally exploring themselves and evolving, the habit of negative thinking can become an important component of one’s growing personality.  Over a period the person might feel empty, inadequate, or unable to see the positives or strengths of oneself.  This will further trigger attempts to cope by indulging in risky personal behaviors like over eating, under eating, involvement in risky relationships or multiple relationships, searching for one’s value or worth or adequacy by exposing oneself to more risky situations including situations that can lead to sexual abuse, putting oneself in situations in a constant exploration to feel loved however risky the situation is (example, indulging in addictive behaviors to fit in a peer group). These attempts, however, on reflection by the person after the event lead to more guilt, a feeling of emptiness, not having got the feeling one was searching for and triggers more depressive state.

Then what is the way out? If you feel that your thoughts are clouded with more negative than positive thoughts and your ability to think positively is getting diluted, that is the among the first signs of feeling depressed. These feelings of negativity, if consistently continue to happen over a 2 week period, it is time that you take care by becoming aware that you are slipping into a state of depression. It is ideal that a person in this situation seeks or is provided professional help. Often, the family members may pick the signs early as the person itself might have an impaired ability to make that judgment. Family members may notice the shift in the attitude of the person, the lethargy, the lack of interest, the growing silences, and talk that is more negative than before.  A psychiatrist or a clinical psychologist can help designing strategies that can avert the negative thinking from becoming a habit. The longer the person delays seeking help, the more it affects one’s life from different angles of education/career or personal relationships that are at a critical building stage in a young adults life. If one delays longer, the depression can completely engulf oneself in every aspect of one’s life and family members living with them are equally affected.

Once you recognize that your ability to see positive aspects of your life becoming dim, it is important that you take precautionary steps to avoid the risk of negative thinking becoming a habit. Seeking professional help can completely reverse the depression to a normal state. The more depression strikes a person as a teenager or young adult, the more chances there are that the person starts looking for negativity in persons or situations, leading to an impaired ability to deal with life.

 

Marriage-Divorce-Remarriage: Influence of past baggage on the present

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Marriage, as among the most complex and intimate relationship compared to other family relations-with parents, siblings, in-laws- has its own share of baggage as well. Especially when the question of remarriage appears. It is inevitable that one cannot escape or ignore the influence of the past marriage and ones relation with the spouse in the present context including its positives and baggage.

Yes, one can definitely show more maturity, tolerance, compromises due to the teaching or learning from past experiences. However, if the stress or trauma is too much in the previous marriage, one cannot escape its shadows looming over the present marriage too.  Fears related to abuse/violence, abandonment, insecurity, the negative experiences of past relationships (either romantic or prior marriage) will make the partner more conscious or alert and fear prone or anxious in the present situation. The personality of partners will also play a major role.

If a person is anxious by nature, anxiety might become worse if the negative experiences are added to life experiences. If a person is prone to mood swings, past trauma might create a negative frame of mind losing the capacity to experience new situations with a fresh outlook.  What has been an area of stress leading to divorce might now become an important aspect of the present relationship. For example,  a person who had an emotional and dependent partner previously might look for a mature independent  partner this time and may worry about the partner being detached and less involved at a later stage.

The reality lies in understanding and accepting the influences that will help to build the relation with the new partner by taking some preventive steps. A discussion on the past relationship might be a first step towards understanding and working on its influence in the current relationship. Giving more space to each other, especially when there is a situation of friction will help the partners to work towards resolution. Avoiding the use of past relationships as a point of comparison and criticism is recommended. While being honest with each other, try to avoid the use of terms like “let us divorce” etc loosely.

Most important, appreciate the relation and spouse for what it is and what they are as a person rather than constant comparisons with past experiences. Live in the present…

Marriage sustains on mixing and matching or compromising and appreciating

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A happy married life depends on mixing & matching with or compromising with & appreciating the traits of your spouse. Adapting to similarities or dissimilarities in interests, hobbies, likes and dislikes and even career play a role in sustaining the marriage. Often people prefer marrying others with similar traits like a doctor wants to marry a doctor, or an engineer another engineer etc. The thought process behind such a move is that they will understand the pressures of the career, the adjustments necessary and hence might help the marriage to sustain. However, this is not always true.

Similarities and commonalities in partners can become boring and predictable over a period of time and slowly a point of saturation is reached. Everything about the other spouse becomes predictable including the way they react. This can often lead to a strained situation where each one might start taking the other person for granted closing the gates of communication. This can lead to distorted perceptions or misconceptions over a period of years. Might end up never appreciating the achievements of the spouse- small or big, in career or in personal life. Life might appear less colorful and challenging over a period of time.This does not mean that the choice of a partner with similar likes and dislikes is wrong. However, unless worked upon, the relationship can tend to become too superficial.

Appreciating the characteristics of your spouse (that you admire and do not have yourself) and compromising and accepting on grey areas (up to a certain tolerable level- not a blind acceptance) such as being too vocal in expressions, certain food habits, requires some work. Trying to see the benefits of those grey areas might help strengthening your marital relation in the long run.

It may not always be necessary or important that all your needs “have to be” fulfilled only with the spouse. Need for sharing, relating, being intimate, feeling companionship can be continued at different levels and forms even with other family members- parents, in-laws, siblings etc.

Do we not compromise with the perceived faults or differences of our family members? Do we not accept them as they are? Is that because of a compulsion because we were born into that family? Why do we see the spouse as someone different? Why would we not give the same latitude to the spouse? What makes us complain and be choosy or critical about our spouse? Is it an expression of choice which we feel we do not have with our family? Why wouldn’t compromising and accepting not work with the spouse? It definitely will. Is the fact that we have a choice in the relationship with the spouse and no choice in the relationship with the family such an important determinant?

If marital relationships have to sustain, one needs to accept that difference of opinion and arguments happen between couples. Whether these difficulties help to strengthen or weaken the relationship depends on how the issues are resolved. Is a process of compromise and acceptance used? Personal likes and dislikes may not be of much value in resolutions as each person will tend to presume what the other person thinks rather than listening to what they say.

Every individual is a combination of strengths and weaknesses. In a couple’s relationship, when the strengths and weaknesses of the partner is appreciated and accepted, there will be a slow and steady improvement in the quality of the relationship. Marital relations develop continuously over different experiences and is a process that grows as long as the couple  lives together.

Similarities might aid to strengthen a close relation but may not form the only basis for a strong and intimate relationship.

Effects of Baggage on our Marital Life

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Almost all of us carry some emotional baggage with us often without bothering or realizing how it affects our life.  We carry our emotional baggage for years and sometimes for many decades.

What are the common emotional baggage we carry around?

Our strict father who believed parenting was about dominating, scaring children and maintaining a distance. Where distance, fear and domination was misconstrued as respect.

Our over emotional or over involved mother who invested so much time and affection on us- the umbilical cord was physically cut but emotionally was bound in tight knots.

Our siblings who grew with a feeling of neglect or secondary in the hierarchy of affection showered by our parents.

Can we outgrow these feelings that we collected, as our baggage, over years? What happens to all these strained and over worked emotions?

Knowingly or unknowingly, we show the effects of these baggage on our partners. Our choice of a partner for the complex and intimate spousal relationship is often a reflection of our emotional baggage and needs. We might look for a soft spoken partner if we had an overbearing parent! We decide on a single child so that we don’t transfer a feel of neglect to our children! Most often, we do this subconsciously without even being aware that we are transferring our baggage to the lives of our family members.

Are we happy carrying these emotional baggage? Maybe not or maybe there is a perceived advantage with the baggage! The so called soft spoken friendly person might over the years be considered unassertive and indecisive.  The over emotional partner might be perceived as being too dependent and a burden. Our single child whom we showered all our affection on might end up feeling lonely, spoilt and uncompromising.

Like the worldly assets we accumulate meaninglessly, we accumulate and transfer our emotional baggage to the next generation leading to the development of more complex personalities over the years.

Is there a solution? Can we be aware of the baggage we carry??

We need to self reflect and analyze ourselves from time to time. What drives our actions and reactions?  Can we see our partner as a person by themselves rather than as a reflection of the strained family relations we had? Can we see our kids as human beings in their own right rather than as a vehicle for our shattered dreams or misguided ambitions?

Often, the partner is able to objectively see the baggage brought into the relationship. Are we able to accept the objectivity of our partner? Or do we become defensive? Can we let go of the baggage? Can we recognize it as a problem and deal with it?

The first step is realizing there is a problem, then accepting it and working towards a solution in collaboration with your partner.  Let us try that and see if we can bring back the magic into our married life.

Often, talking issues out with an independent unbiased third party like a psychologist can bring in new perspectives and new insights.  It may also help to retain objectivity and build trust between partners without getting too much caught in defensive reactions.